"I had to park on the pavement: there wasn't anywhere else."

"Yeah, I put a couple of things in my coat sometimes. Mr Tesco won't miss them: record profits again this year, bastards."

"So I break the speed limits. So what? I'm a busy person: I've got a life to get on with."

"Yes, I carried on claiming housing benefit even though I had a couple of cleaning jobs. Why should my kids go to school in crap from QD's when all their friends are in designer stuff?"

"I had to smack him one. He was coming on to my missus."

"Yeah, I took her purse. It was just sitting there at the top of her handbag. Silly cow deserved it."

"Of course I nick stuff from sheds sometimes. You see I've got this smack habit to feed: you wouldn't want to see me when I haven't had any for a while."

"I didn't mean to do it, but if I hadn't hit him with the shovel I'd have got caught."

public void workingLife()
{
try
{
career();
}
catch (Exception Thatcher)
{
job();
}
finally
{
sodTheLotOfThem();
}
}

I've decided what we should do with that sodding banker and his half-million per year pension. We'll just put him in an NHS A&E waiting room and let the punters tear him limb from limb. We were up at Stoke Mandeville five and a half hours last night, four of them waiting.

A couple of years ago we went out to the middle of nowhere in Kenya, miles away from most tourist destinations and the nearest doctor. I honestly felt more confident about healthcare there than I do in my own home town.

"Stella is my hero(ine), Stella is my hero(ine), la la la laaaaa....

la la la laaaaa...."

Christians and other whiney religious nuts are starting to shows signs of surprise at the anger that atheists and secularists have towards them. They seem to think that they're just harmless, guitar-playing eccentrics who do nobody any harm. Imagine my mood, then, at not being allowed to buy anything from Tesco pharmacy until after 11:00am because it's Sunday and God doesn't want me to go shopping, apparently. As a consequence of this bizarre policy, Tescos changes from being as quiet as the grave at 10:55 to absolute mayhem at 11:05: completely gridlocked and ridiculous queues. Why should I be liable to the superstitious beliefs and customs of a minority?

Feedback for BBC's 'Digital Planet' because they only allow 500 characters on their feedback form:

"I can't believe you did an entire feature on illegal music downloads without once mentioning DRM'd music downloads. It's the perceived evils of DRM technology that are the root of the problem, and the illegal downloaders will consider themselves to hold the moral high ground as long as it continues. As an example, I enthusiastically used the Nokia Music download service when it started up, but as a result of technical glitches and re-flashing my phone a couple of times, I ended up losing two albums with a value of £16. Now Bill rightly says to be careful with use of the word "steal", but I would go so far as to say that I have been defrauded of £16 of my hard-earned money. As it happens, I'm such an angel that I didn't turn to BitTorrent because Play.com now offer a DRM-free download service, but others don't have such scruples once they have been ripped-off."

It just occurred to me. The rednecks are very fond of saying that Obama was born a muslim. Well, if that was the case, and he adopted christianity, then surely he's committed apostasy, which is punishable by death in islam. So shouldn't they admire him for being such a brave man?

Dear Yanks,

Whoever you vote for, please vote. You have a responsibility to the world as well as yourselves.